“Liberals Only” and “Conservatives Only” Drinking Fountains To Be Installed on Capitol Hill

September 27, 2011 § 3 Comments

By HOWIE SWAIM | Reporting from Washington, VA | September 27, 2011

In a refreshing display of bipartisan cooperation, Congressional Republicans and Democrats voted unanimously today to install “Liberals Only” and “Conservatives Only” drinking fountains on Capitol Hill.

Leaders on both sides of the aisle hailed the agreement, with one senior Congressperson stating, “If this doesn’t demonstrate to America that we can find common ground, nothing will.”.

In a twelfth hour amendment to the Bill, both parties agreed to allow the opposing party to choose the placard that would appear above their own party’s water fountains.  Following a lively debate, the Democrats selected “Conservative Dipshits”, while the Republicans chose “Liberal Fucktards”.

The fountains will be installed during the next Congressional Recess – a period during which elected officials take a short break and pursue such lively activities as, ‘Tag. You’re It’,  ‘Dodgeball’ and  ‘Kick the Candidate’.

White House officials reassured the public that installation would be completed prior to the end of Recess, and that Congress would reconvene in time to vote on Congressional pay raises.


Area Man Convinced Backyard Propane Tanks Are Actually Japanese Mini Subs

September 27, 2011 § 4 Comments

Innocent propane tank or diabolical plot?

By HOWIE SWAIM | Reporting from Washington, VA | September 27, 2011

Area resident, Bob Herman, is convinced that backyard propane tanks are in fact Japanese Mini Subs and warned that a second sneak attack on America is “imminent”.

Speaking at Friday’s Board of Supervisors meeting, the 92-year-old veteran pleaded for an immediate investigation into the matter, stating, “Any fool with a lick of common sense can see these things for what they are!  Just look at ’em!”

Under intense questioning, Mr. Herman stated that each propane tank likely houses “at least three ‘bloodthirsty’ Japs”, whom he suspected were, “armed to the teeth”.

Mr. Herman indicated that he’d spent at least 14 hours a day for the past 12 years observing his propane tank through “a tiny crack” in his living room curtains.

Asked by one Supervisor why he thought that an attack was “imminent”, Mr. Herman shouted, “How stupid are you people?  These Japs have been sitting in those tanks since 1945!  They’re running out of time!”.

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