Sales of “Protest-Friendly” Products Fuel Economic Recovery

SATIRE by HOWIE SWAIM | Reporting from Washington, VA | October 19, 2011

Government officials were encouraged by today’s Department of Labor (DOL) jobs report which indicated the economy was growing at a surprisingly rapid pace.

According to the report, the fastest growing manufacturing companies were those producing Vendatta Masks, Tri-Cornered hats, Sharpies®, loudspeakers, cardboard, and other “protest-friendly” materials.  Sales were further buoyed by vastly unanticipated increases in worldwide demand.

Governments across the globe hailed the report as an indication that “We’re on the right track.”

DOL officials expressed optimism, saying “While demand for these specific products may diminish in the near-term, we anticipate a growing demand for torches, pitchforks and guillotines will more than compensate for any of those declines.”

Rough Drafts of Shepard Fairey’s 2012 Campaign Posters Leaked To Press

SATIRE by HOWIE SWAIM | Reporting from Washington, VA | October 16, 2011

Street artist Shepard Fairey, who gained notoriety for designing the Obama “Hope” poster, was none too happy after learning that drafts of his 2012 campaign posters had been leaked to the press.  “Dude! That like so sucks!” said Fairey upon hearing the news.

Still, the 41 year-old skateboarding enthusiast was gracious in explaining his designs:

“OK.  Right.  So like Barack is like texting me like every ten minutes begging for a new poster and like he’s all stressed out about like maybe losing the election and shit.  And so I’m like, ‘Calm the fuck down dude!  Geez, like smoke a bowl or something.’  So like the next day he shows up at my place with a couple of totally skunk spliffs and tells me how he’s all worried about this Cain dude—dude used to like deliver pizzas or something.  Anyway Barack is like all freaked out that he’s gonna like get his ass handed to him in November.  And like BAM! it hits me!  I mean like get this… people like pizza, right?  Right.  But what do people like even more than pizza?  Think about it…Bacon!  I mean, I know, like totally brilliant, right?”

Early reports indicated that most Americans were extremely receptive and “quite moved” by the new campaign posters, with 62% of those polled saying that they “really liked bacon,” had not been aware that the President liked bacon too, and were far more likely to vote for him as a result.

Meanwhile, desperate for Fairey’s assistance and endorsement, former quasi-candidate Sarah Palin made a sad little attempt at grabbing headlines by vowing to “Occupy” Shepard Fairey’s front yard.  Mrs. Palin quickly abandoned her plans after Mr. Fairey reportedly texted her that the only logical slogan for her campaign was “TOAST!”

Elizabeth Warren Tells Dying Steve Jobs “You Owe Me” a Free iPad

SATIRE by HOWIE SWAIM | Reporting from Washington, VA | October 9, 2011

A comatose Steve Jobs listened patiently as Massachusetts Senate hopeful Elizabeth Warren berated him for not giving away more “free shit” and reminded him that she was “still waiting” for her free iPad 2.

After reprimanding Mr. Jobs for not adhering to his “social contract,” Ms. Warren briefly left the room only to return and chastise him for being “a callous factory owner” who, while employing tens-of-thousands, “should have done more for society.”

In what his doctors described as an involuntary muscle twitch, Mr. Jobs reportedly then bitch-slapped Ms. Warren.

While being escorted from the dying CEO’s bedside, Ms. Warren was observed by one reporter texting the following:  ”Screw you, Steve!  Sincerely, Elizabeth Warren  —  Sent from my iPhone.”

President Taps Onyango Obama To Head U.S. Immigration Services

SATIRE by HOWIE SWAIM | Reporting from Washington, VA | September 30, 2011

Speaking before the Washington press corps, President Obama named his half-uncle and prominent illegal immigrant, Onyango Obama, as the new Director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS).

Onyango Obama has ascended rapidly in recent years to become, arguably, the nation’s leading illegal immigrant.  With more than 50 years of experience as an illegal immigrant, Onyango was seen by many as a natural choice to head-up the USCIS.

Still, others seemed perplexed by the President’s decision.

Speaking to the President, one reporter questioned the appointment.  “Mr. President, does it really make sense to hire an illegal immigrant to head an agency created to ensure legal immigration?”

“Listen.” replied the President  “This administration does not discriminate in its hiring practices.  What we do is, we seek out the most qualified candidates.  In this case, we could find no other applicant with more years of experience in the field of illegal immigration than Onyango.  It’s that simple.”

Following the briefing, the newly appointed Director distributed a Press Release announcing the creation of 2,500 new jobs.  The jobs were to be reserved for illegal immigrants who will be tasked with overseeing the deportation of legal immigrants.

The Press Release, which was immediately met with widespread confusion and skepticism, was just as immediately defended by the Administration.

“Look.  It’s a simple numbers game” stated Attorney General Eric Holder.  “For the better part of the last 20 years, we’ve had a greater number of illegal immigrants enter this country, than we have legal ones.  Why in the hell would you side with the legals?  That would be foolish and short-sighted.”

Fires From D.C. Homeless Camps Provide Festive Backdrop to Presidential Fundraiser

SATIRE by HOWIE SWAIM | Reporting from Washington, VA | September 28, 2011

“They’re pretty, aren’t they?” remarked the First Lady as we chatted on the South Portico’s balcony during a recent Presidential Fundraiser.

“What’s that?” I replied, taking a slow swig of bourbon.

“The fires.” she said.  “They look like…well, like distant, happy fireflies.”

Flickering lights, emanating from dozens of D.C. homeless camps, punctuated the night’s fallen horizon.  I couldn’t help but to envision Roman legions preparing a siege of the Capitol.

“Soon there will be enough of them,” the First Lady informed me “that we’ll no longer need to pay for exterior illumination of the White House.”

I paused, attempting to calculate how much that might save the average taxpayer.

“I wonder…”

“Wonder, what?” the First Lady asked.

“I wonder if this is what a former administration was predicting when they spoke of ‘a thousand points of light’?”

“Maybe.” she replied. “But you have to admit they’re pretty.”.

Realizing that I’d left my checkbook at home, I thanked the First Lady for her company and refilled my drink at the bar—I needed one.

I departed the opulence of the White House gala in search of another party…any party.

“Liberals Only” and “Conservatives Only” Drinking Fountains To Be Installed on Capitol Hill

By HOWIE SWAIM | Reporting from Washington, VA | September 27, 2011

In a refreshing display of bipartisan cooperation, Congressional Republicans and Democrats voted unanimously today to install “Liberals Only” and “Conservatives Only” drinking fountains on Capitol Hill.

Leaders on both sides of the aisle hailed the agreement, with one senior Congressperson stating, “If this doesn’t demonstrate to America that we can find common ground, nothing will.”.

In a twelfth hour amendment to the Bill, both parties agreed to allow the opposing party to choose the placard that would appear above their own party’s water fountains.  Following a lively debate, the Democrats selected “Conservative Dipshits”, while the Republicans chose “Liberal Fucktards”.

The fountains will be installed during the next Congressional Recess – a period during which elected officials take a short break and pursue such lively activities as, ‘Tag. You’re It’,  ‘Dodgeball’ and  ‘Kick the Candidate’.

White House officials reassured the public that installation would be completed prior to the end of Recess, and that Congress would reconvene in time to vote on Congressional pay raises.

Area Man Convinced Backyard Propane Tanks Are Actually Japanese Mini Subs

By HOWIE SWAIM | Reporting from Washington, VA | September 27, 2011

Area resident, Bob Herman, is convinced that backyard propane tanks are in fact Japanese Mini Subs and warned that a second sneak attack on America is “imminent”.

Speaking at Friday’s Board of Supervisors meeting, the 92-year-old veteran pleaded for an immediate investigation into the matter, stating, “Any fool with a lick of common sense can see these things for what they are!  Just look at ’em!”

Under intense questioning, Mr. Herman stated that each propane tank likely houses “at least three ‘bloodthirsty’ Japs”, whom he suspected were, “armed to the teeth”.

Mr. Herman indicated that he’d spent at least 14 hours a day for the past 12 years observing his propane tank through “a tiny crack” in his living room curtains.

Asked by one Supervisor why he thought that an attack was “imminent”, Mr. Herman shouted, “How stupid are you people?  These Japs have been sitting in those tanks since 1945!  They’re running out of time!”.