President Taps Onyango Obama To Head U.S. Immigration Services
September 30, 2011 § Leave a comment
SATIRE by HOWIE SWAIM | Reporting from Washington, VA | September 30, 2011
Speaking before the Washington press corps, President Obama named his half-uncle and prominent illegal immigrant, Onyango Obama, as the new Director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS).
Onyango Obama has ascended rapidly in recent years to become, arguably, the nation’s leading illegal immigrant. With more than 50 years of experience as an illegal immigrant, Onyango was seen by many as a natural choice to head-up the USCIS.
Still, others seemed perplexed by the President’s decision.
Speaking to the President, one reporter questioned the appointment. “Mr. President, does it really make sense to hire an illegal immigrant to head an agency created to ensure legal immigration?”
“Listen.” replied the President “This administration does not discriminate in its hiring practices. What we do is, we seek out the most qualified candidates. In this case, we could find no other applicant with more years of experience in the field of illegal immigration than Onyango. It’s that simple.”
Following the briefing, the newly appointed Director distributed a Press Release announcing the creation of 2,500 new jobs. The jobs were to be reserved for illegal immigrants who will be tasked with overseeing the deportation of legal immigrants.
The Press Release, which was immediately met with widespread confusion and skepticism, was just as immediately defended by the Administration.
“Look. It’s a simple numbers game” stated Attorney General Eric Holder. “For the better part of the last 20 years, we’ve had a greater number of illegal immigrants enter this country, than we have legal ones. Why in the hell would you side with the legals? That would be foolish and short-sighted.”